One Snarky Chica with Issues

I drive a lot. In fact, I would rather drive than fly just about anywhere. As a result of driving all the time I get to see a lot of bad driving. And by bad I do not just mean annoying, I mean BAD. I honestly do not know how most people get their licenses with the way that they drive. Then I remember my driving “test” which consisted of backing out of a parking space and driving around 1 block and pulling back into the space. I encountered one four way stop and one traffic light during this test. Traffic was virtually non-existent. I did not even have to parallel park. I actually ended up teaching myself how to do that during college when I couldn’t sleep at night and I would drive downtown and find two cars parked on the side of the street with a space in between them. I taught a friend how to parallel park the same way.

My point is that is it no surprise that a majority of people on the road drive so poorly. I think a lot of times though that cell phones are to blame. On Saturday night I was driving home and saw someone in an SUV who was talking on a cell phone, cut across three lanes to hit a Mitsubishi Mirage right in the driver’s side door. And just this morning I almost got run over by both a semi and a truck that were getting onto the interstate without yielding. And I couldn’t go anywhere as there were cars in the lane beside me.

So, if you want to drive like an assclown, or if you suspect that you already do, here are some tips:

1. One popular method is to treat all yield signs as green lights. So, when you approach a green traffic light you keep pressing the gas, right? Well, do the same at all yield signs! And if the traffic that does not have to yield keeps on going and gets in your way make a fist in the air at them and let them see you calling them every four letter word you can think of.

2. When you have to merge into oncoming traffic pretend that it is a race. See how many cars you can get in front of before merging over into the lane. And if you are on one of those freeway entrance ramps where it loops and people are merging into your lane to exit then try to merge over as soon as possible. Smooth merging is for sissies.

3. Play the speeding game to reduce your chances of getting a speeding ticket. If you see someone speeding past you get over behind them and go whatever speed they are going. But remember to stay close so that no one else can get in between you and the other car. If they get over, you get over.

4. Staying right except to pass is for sissies. Spend your entire trip riding in the fast lane. And if someone comes speeding up behind you too bad! Don’t feel like you need to get over to the right just because that lane is empty. In fact, you should even go below the speed limit while riding in the fast lane.

5. If you want to change lanes, just put on your blinker and do it. There is really no need to actually look into that lane and see if there is actually space for your vehicle. If you have your blinker on then you have the right of way and a space for your car will magically appear. I am fairly certain that is part of Newton’s law.

6. Remember that change is good and be a chronic lane switcher. Whether it is two lanes of traffic or eight, go ahead and swerve back and forth between them. The freeway and the cars on it are like a giant maze and your goal is to maneuver your way through them as quickly as possible to get to your destination. The quicker you swerve over and the more you cut people off the better.

7. If you see someone looking in their side mirrors or over their shoulder as if they want to get over in front you, you should punch the gas. Your goal is to be first and you cannot do that if someone else gets in front of you. Under no circumstances are you to let someone else get over in front of you. If they speed up, you should speed up. If they get over in front of you anyways, be sure to honk at them and give them the finger. Then take them on the inside and cut them off to get back in front of them.

8. Only idiots don’t pass on the inside. If you want to pass a car make sure you do it on the right because you might be less likely to get a ticket. Who cares that you will probably be more likely to cause an accident.

9. You are entitled to block intersections. You are too important to have to sit through a red light and wait for the next green light. If you are waiting to cross an intersection and the light is green or yellow, just go ahead and go. You deserve it. Who cares if you are blocking the intersection and the other people can’t go? Your time is more important than theirs anyways.

10. Time is precious, especially yours. If that traffic light turns red you shouldn’t have to stop if you are going over 30 mph. In fact, just keep going right on through it. And if the three cars in front of you run the red light then that is an open invitation for you to do it too. And if you end up blocking two lanes of traffic by doing it, then that is okay too.